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Oops

Wow, I let this blog die. I didn’t mean to, I got incredibly busy with life.
I traveled back to my hometown multiple times, got a job, celebrated my 3rd anniversary with my husband.

As for my mother. Things have been up and down emotionally. I discovered she manipulated my mentally ill grandfather into abusing me. On a long visit home I saw her twice. It was in a group situation with my family, but it was horrible. Never spoke a word, she just glared. When I was talking to my grandmother, or someone else she would just jump in, loudly to take command of the room.

Thankfully we haven’t seen each other since. My half sister is 13 now, and she looks exactly like our mother. It was shocking when I saw her a few months ago, I wasn’t expecting it.

Mother also got sick. She made herself sick by taking lots of birth control, which caused blood clots. when she was in the hospital, and things looked grave she requested to speak to me. I turned her down. I sent a message through my grandmother saying that if she wanted to speak when she was better I would consider it.

She never did.

Many things have happened. But I have finally come to a good place in my life. I am happy. I have grown and learned a lot about myself over the last few years, I couldn’t be happier.

I believe that I finally understand what the word “survivor” means. I survived what happened to me, at the hands of my mother, and turned it into a way to better and strengthen myself.

Over A Month

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve written. I’ve had a lot going on. My uncle passed away recently and I’ve been busy with the holidays.

A bit of a development with my mother. She got fired from her job. I don’t know the whole story, but it amounted to my sister getting suspended for a few days from her school. The school called my mother at work, who screamed and swore, carrying on, and got fired because of it. She now wants to draw disability since she is no longer working.

There has been no news about social services yet. I do hope they hurry up and get my sister out of that situation soon.

I’ve been doing ok. In the last week or so I’ve had to really confront my own sexuality. Part of me has always wondered if I am bisexual. I find women attractive, but the thought of doing anything scared me, mostly because of the abuse. My friend questioned me on it, and to be honest I’m surprised I didn’t faint. I felt lightheaded, my stomach was in knots, I could hear my heart pounding.

I’ve decided I’m not bi though. My friend and I talked for a few hours about it, and I was finally able to remove my mother and the abuse from the equation. Which is always difficult, with anything sexual, if it happened to me because of her, I hated it, even if I secretly like it(in a consensual, adult situation).

That’s the key though I think. The adult, consensual situation in which something arises. Before I was afraid if I liked a certain thing, I was turning into my mother. Which I now know is not true.

I have a feeling that this is something I might always struggle with, it’s hard to shake something like this for good.

A week or so ago I learned that my grandmothers 2nd husband passed away. I used to live with him when my grandmother had custody of me. He abused me as well, who seemed to get the idea from my mother.

I haven’t seen him since I was 6 years old. The day we left him I saw him hit my grandmother in a drunken rage. As we drove away he shouted at us, threatening to kill us all. I moved in with my dad, and my grandmother went to Texas for a while to hide out.

I don’t normally discuss him, I like to tell myself that what he did doesn’t affect me. But it does, and always will. I remember in detail some of the horrible things he did. I haven’t even told my husband about them. His death has been difficult to comprehend. He’s gone, I never get the chance to get closure. Or is death closure? Now that he is dead(he had been ill for some time) he can’t harm anyone else. It saves people heartache. But what is to become of those people he hurt? How do we handle our feelings?

Maybe his death is the closure. A time to let go of all the anger. I’ll never stop feeling hurt and betrayed by him, but since he passed away, I’ve felt my anger towards him slowly subside. Part of it is I’ve always been afraid he would fulfill his promise of finding me and killing me, and now that is no longer a possibility. I can breathe a little easier.

Recovery

My mother is getting better. She is back home, able to drive and can walk some. She goes to her therapy three times a week and the swelling on her leg is slowly going down. She still has to be careful, she’s forbidden from getting anymore tattoo’s and cannot get a cut on that leg at all. I suppose I am glad she’s feeling better. Shes not even 40, and these health problems at her age is very worrying.

My little sister seems to be doing better. Mother has been nicer to her. We will see how long that lasts. Mother has mental problems, and my grandmother believes she suffers from Antisocial Personality Disorder(sociopath).

She hasn’t been diagnosed, but I’ve been doing some reading and in most ways it was like I was reading a list of my mother’s behavior. One of the behavior’s struck a nerve however: “Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.”

My mother is promiscuous. Or, she was last I knew. Does being a sociopath automatically excuse what she did to me though? Sociopath’s are incapable of feeling empathy, remorse, or guilt.They think that the world is their oyster, and they are above everyone else. Mother has always thought this, and it’s been very obvious she thinks so. Does that mean her behavior towards me, all the abuse, is excused?

Abuse is never ok, but the fact that my mother could possibly be a sociopath changes things. If she was on medication, would she have still done what she did? If she wasn’t a sociopath would she still have touched me? Is she a sociopath, or is she just an evil person?

I don’t think I will ever know the answers to these questions. All I do know is, abuse is never ok, no matter what mental state the abuser is in.

Under Her Bed

My mother got out of the hospital this week. She’s still very weak and ended up back in the emergency room the other night. She’s out again and resting at home trying to get her strength up. Her blood was too thin so they changed her medication.

While she’s been sick my grandmother has been cleaning out the trailer she and my sister live in. The trailer is a pigsty, it hasn’t ever really been thoroughly cleaned. My grandmother found three sex toys under my sisters bed. My sister is 11 and the toys have probably been there for years.

I didn’t quite know how to handle the news, I freaked out I wanted to fly back home and “save” my sister. But there is no real proof as to if anything went on, but I cannot wrap my mind around why the toys would be there in the first place. I have no problem with sex toys, I have a problem with an 11 year old having them under her bed. She isn’t old enough to be sexually active, she hasn’t even hit the full throngs of puberty yet.

I found this out a week ago, and I’m still not sure how to approach it. The more I thought about it, the longer I let the news digest, the less it really surprised me. Which is a sad, sad thing.

In my previous posts I discussed how my biological mother/abuser has been sick. On Friday afternoon I took a shower, upon getting out I saw my phone light up. I had a new voice mail. The message was from my grandmother. My mother was in the hospital, and wanted to talk to me.

Mother had been checked into the hospital on Thursday. She woke up with a sharp pain in her groin, but didn’t think much of it. She had the same pain for a few days, and her doctor checked her and said she was completely healthy. She went to work that day and when she went to the restroom she tried to stand and couldn’t feel her left leg at all. She called a nurse(she works at my doctors office) who helped her. One of the doctors there checked her, and sent her to the emergency room. She has 3 large blood clots. One in her groin, and two in her lungs.

According to the doctor, she came very close to dying, if she had waited any longer the clots could have moved and gone straight to her heart, killing her.

She’s still in the hospital right now, and probably will be for a while longer. They have her on blood thinners and pain medication. They have to be careful with giving her an IV in case it causes more clots to form, but as time passes on that possibility grows less likely.

My grandmother told her on Friday just how close she came to dying. She said she needed to “make things right with every single person in her life, including her daughters”. Grandma also told her that she would be calling me upon leaving the hospital to keep me updated(I asked her to). When Mother asked why the reply she received was “your daughter might have kicked you out of her life, but she still cares about you, even though you wronged her an voided the right to be called her mom”.

I was completely floored mother wants to speak to me. She said that it was because she wants to “reassure me” that she will be ok. I said I would think about it, and call back with my decision the next day. The rest of the evening I spent talking with my husband, family members, and friends who know the situation.

I decided to not call her. The thought of just hearing her voice sends chills down my spine. I did say that it was ok if she e-mailed me. I don’t think I will ever be able to hold a phone conversation with her, let alone a civil one.

If my mother was more predictable I might have agreed to the phone call. I don’t see what she wants from me however. I want her to just admit she touched me. That she did something wrong. She won’t. And she never will. My life is better without her in it, and that’s the way it is going to stay.

My biological mother is still sick. Still losing blood. They found out it is a bleeding ulcer that is causing her to be tired and feel weak. Naturally, she is milking all this to get my poor grandmother to do everything she wants. She had my grandmother go get my little sister’s medication because mother “couldn’t bear to be in the sun and leave the house” yet she took my sister to the movies later.

Recently I’ve been busy, my brother-in-law moved out of the house my husband and I share with his family. We received his old bedroom and now use ours as a computer/living room. I spent all day yesterday taking apart my wardrobe, moving it, putting it back together, then filing it up again. I finally have my own desk again and in one part of it I have books. In moving these books into my desk I found about 6 relating to sexual abuse. Books for survivors. I’ve read a bit of each of them, but I’ve only finished two of them.

In skimming the books I realized something. No matter how many books are written, or how many people read them. They help, but, at least in my case, I still feel like an outsider. Like no one can ever fully understand. Though, truth be told, I don’t always want someone to understand because I don’t want anyone else to understand what that pain feels like.

I had another flashback the other day. It’s not horrible, on the scale of things, but I still haven’t been able to utter it out loud. It doesn’t involve anyone besides my mother and that’s what I find the most disturbing. It’s just my mother, it’s not a stranger or a male relative. It’s someone who birthed me, I share 50% of my genes with this person. No matter how old I get, I can’t wrap my mind around that.

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