I’m back with my husband now. After having to live in my hometown since December. I flew in a week ago, and have been adjusting since. It’s weird being back, and my marriage suffered because of it. For a few days it looked like filing for divorce was a viable option.
Things are better though, But I realized in thinking about my martial problems that a lot of them stem from being scared. I scare myself constantly. When I came back I was so scared of not knowing where I will be in a year or two that I wanted to leave my husband. I haven’t gone to college yet because I am scared I’m not smart enough and I’ll flunk out.
My entire life I have scared myself shitless. I’ve talked myself out of doing wonderful things because I was scared. Why am I scared?
I am terrified of being hurt again. Today I told my dearest friend details about a rape I endured at the hands of two “friends”. While that was difficult to talk about, discussing how it makes me scared that even someone I love would betray me was even harder.
When I talk to someone I assess their risk factor. “Is this person trustworthy?” “Do they have the potential to betray me?” I analyze everyone this way. This isn’t healthy. I let fear rule my entire life, all because when I was a toddler my mother decided to use me instead of love me.
Trust is such a huge issue. It IS scary. Especially when you have been betrayed by someone who was SUPPOSED to have your trust and your best interest at heart. I’m so sorry. I hope (((((((safe hugs))))))))) are okay.
I just realized that this week is the four-year anniversary of THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I can hardly believe it! If you’ve got a post to share, I’d love it if you joined us for the anniversary edition at my blog on Friday. Thanks for considering it!
Take gentle care.