From My Private Blog:
It’s rather funny thinking about this since I just got done watching Shutter Island again. But. I remember when I first started talking about mom, and everything that has happened as a result. I felt like I was going crazy.
To be honest, I still feel like I am sometimes. I wonder if it all happened, what if its all a figment of my imagination?
I know it’s all true, but sometimes I think it’d be easier if it wasn’t. I’m turning 20 next month and I still can’t face the simple fact that my mother doesn’t love me. Maybe she did, at some point.
But how do you get from carrying a child in your stomach for 9 months, to selling them for sex? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t think anyone can ever understand it.
And the fact that I never will understand it drives me mad. I’m not sure if I want to understand something as horrific as that. How did she ever think it was ok? She shows no remorse. She admits no wrong doing. Does she think that she was in the right?
How can you ever argue that? “I think it’s ok to sell my child for sex. And let men fuck her. And record it.” Maybe mom is the one who deserves to be locked up in a mental institution. Whenever I open up to people one of the firsts thinks they say is “That explains so much about you”.
That can’t be said about mom. She’s a pathological liar. She says her dad beat her. He didn’t. He hit my grandmother, and cheated on her. But he never laid a hand on her and or my aunt. She is the one who told him she wanted to flush his ashes down the toilet.
I wish I could pinpoint something that makes me go Ah-Ha! To try and understand it all. But I never will.
People keep telling me I need to forgive her. How can I do that? How do I even begin to do that? Every time I think I’m ok, I slide backwards. I fool myself into thinking that it doesn’t bother me, and that all my own issues that sprung up from it have passed.
But then someone asks me about her, why we don’t speak and I feel like my entire body has weights and I’m sinking. My heart races and my body shakes, when I close my eyes I hear my own voice saying “no I don’t want to do that” and I see her and I can smell her. I feel it. I relive it. Over and over.
How can I forgive someone who affects me in such a negative way?
