I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve written. I’ve had a lot going on. My uncle passed away recently and I’ve been busy with the holidays.
A bit of a development with my mother. She got fired from her job. I don’t know the whole story, but it amounted to my sister getting suspended for a few days from her school. The school called my mother at work, who screamed and swore, carrying on, and got fired because of it. She now wants to draw disability since she is no longer working.
There has been no news about social services yet. I do hope they hurry up and get my sister out of that situation soon.
I’ve been doing ok. In the last week or so I’ve had to really confront my own sexuality. Part of me has always wondered if I am bisexual. I find women attractive, but the thought of doing anything scared me, mostly because of the abuse. My friend questioned me on it, and to be honest I’m surprised I didn’t faint. I felt lightheaded, my stomach was in knots, I could hear my heart pounding.
I’ve decided I’m not bi though. My friend and I talked for a few hours about it, and I was finally able to remove my mother and the abuse from the equation. Which is always difficult, with anything sexual, if it happened to me because of her, I hated it, even if I secretly like it(in a consensual, adult situation).
That’s the key though I think. The adult, consensual situation in which something arises. Before I was afraid if I liked a certain thing, I was turning into my mother. Which I now know is not true.
I have a feeling that this is something I might always struggle with, it’s hard to shake something like this for good.
My Mother, My Father, brother, all amongst my other perpetrators,
I did not let them stop me from choosing to enjoy,share, love anyone no matter what the biological gender/gender identity/sexual preference(s).
They distorted what connecting was all about. They disguised love as control/power/ownership. so take your mother out of your “present life”
Her abuse of you should not limit your definition of your sexual identity.
Sexuality, if you let yourself be fluid is shameless. Your abuse was shamed-based. If I let my family define my sexuality; I would have none. Is that what I really want? A zero factor with a life-long void without sexual intimacy?
( your desires do not have to be a secret shame that keeps you in your own lost closet.) I hope you get out some day, Take good Care,
Wow, being abused by your mother, I believe, is the most difficult to get over. Thank you for your courage to write about this. All abuse is bad, of course, but I believe when it is a mother it is somehow more disturbing. I guess its because of the way we see mothers…as gentle and nurturing…not as sexual deviants.
I’m glad I found your blog. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your blogs.