Archive for October, 2009

A suicide

A little background today, a once friend of mine took advantage of me and helped another friend rape me. This man, named Jason, ended up going to jail a while later for various other rapes that were reported. He committed suicide just this past May. I found out through his sister, who I used to go to school with.

His death didn’t really affect me. While any death of any kind makes me sad, I was glad he was dead. He took a part of me without asking, he and my friend took it by force.  I used to blame myself for it, because at the time of the incident, I was out of my mind stoned.

I know now that it’s not my fault, just because I wasn’t fully myself doesn’t mean he had permission to do what he did.  But if it was my mother who died, instead of him. I wonder if I would be glad, or sad. Because while I hate her more than anything, she still is my mother. She gave life to me, as shitty as that life might have been for a while.

Everything is highly confusing.


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Pet Peeve

I have alot of pet peeves. Some of them are small things, like if a computer monitor is in standby mode and the light on it blinks I HAVE to turn it off. That’s just small and weird to some people, but my biggest pet peeve is when people who have wonderful moms, treat them like crap.

Whenever I think of that I think of my oldest step-sister, Lily. I love her, don’t get me wrong. But she treats her mom like crap.

The background story on that is when Lily was already married and moved out of her home, Mom divorced Lily’s dad. I know a few of the details which aren’t really important to the story, but if I was mom, I would have gotten divorced from him along time ago. After she got divorced, mom started going out and drinking and partying, then she met my father shortly after he divorced my mother, they dated then got married in ’94.

Ever since the divorce Lily has held this grudge against mom, and its bothers me to no end. Last Christmas while I was staying in my hometown, all of us siblings and mom were supposed to get together at Lily’s for Christmas. Well this year Lily uninvited me and mom saying that her husband “thought that Mom and her ex-husband together would make him nervous.” That statement, is complete and total bullshit. It’s bullshit because Mom and her ex-husband(who is now remarried too) and his wife, have all been together at family functions and they get along fine, they don’t make a scene or anything.  So when I called Lily and told her basically that I thought she was lying she in turn told me that she still has issues from when Mom divorced her dad.

I didn’t say anything at the time, I was too angry to even begin to think to reply. Last night, I finally thought of the best reply for Lily and I need it out of my system.

“Lily. First off, every thing I say I say to you out of love. You are my sister and have been for most of my life. But, you are the biggest moron on the planet. You act like mom hurt you so horribly. I wanna ask you something. Did mom ever hit you so hard that all you wanted to do was crawl into a corner and disappear? Did mom ever play mind games with you and manipulate you? Did she ever let men pay to have sex with you? No, Mom did not do any of those things. So then, why the hell do you think that she is the worst mother on the planet? She’s not.
Lily, look at my tattoo, can you tell me what it means? I doubt it, because it’s in Japanese, My tattoo means “Survivor.” Do you know what I’m a survivor of? I survived, and now thrive, from what I listed and more. I suffered abuse at the hands of my own Mother for 18 years until I moved away. So when you say mom “betrayed you” or “hurt you” seriously, get the fuck over it. You need therapy badly if you are still hurting from a divorce that hardly affected you because you were already married and I think pregnant with your son at the time. The one person it should have effected the most is our brother James, and he holds no resentment towards mom, he moved in with her the same time I did!
I’m not the only one who is sick of how you treat mom, James and Patsy both are as well. Mom helped me every day growing up, she taught me that not all mom’s are bad. She is the one who taught me good values and to always stick to what I believe in. She didn’t raise me the same way you were raised, but she didn’t have her ex-husband telling her what to do every second. She taught me to trust my gut, to work hard, and never be afraid to take a chance at something in life. She taught you the same think, so while she might be married to my father and she raised me different, she is still the same mother you had.
You told her once that she needed to “control her teenager” while you controlled yours. Through your parents divorce haven’t you seen that controlling people ends badly? You know why I was “rebellious” during my high school years? It’s because of what my mother did to me when I was a child. I dealt with my memories the only way I could. And Mom let me, she turned the blind eye but always looked out for me because she knew, long before I said anything. What would you do if that was your child?
Lily, I love you, but you need to think about how you are treating mom before it is too late to make amends and she passes away. She won’t be around forever, and I don’t want you to regret anything. Mom loves you, and she is always telling me about how she wants you back in her life, and doesn’t get what she did wrong. You know why? Because she didn’t do anything wrong. For the first time she followed her heart and did something for her. She had more balls then you ever have, and you need to respect her for that .
In the end Lily, only you can choose to make this right, and I hope you do. And you better, because the rest of us are getting fucking sick of your shit.”

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I have a half-sister. She’s my mothers child, we have different fathers, and we’re 9 years apart(im older). Her dad, i’ve never met, but he is in jail now, for some reason or another.

I’m mentioning her, because she still lives with my mother. I think mother treats her ok, she over medicates her on ADHD meds. Which she does need, but she doesnt need the big dosage that she is given, it turns her into a zombie. I talked to her today, when I called my grandmother. She was staying the night there and in realizing i was on the phone asked to talk to me.

I think thats one of the hardest conversations i’ve ever had. I wish i could ask her alot, how she is doing, how mom is treating her.
Mom treats her badly, not like how she has ever treated me(She seems to love her more than me) but she still hits her and yells at her.

I wish i could save her, but I can’t.

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I Am. I Want. I Will.

I Am.

I Am.

I Am.
A Lost Soul.

I Am.

I Am.

I Want.
An Apology.

I Want.

I Want.
You To Die.

I Want.
To Curl Up
And Cry.

I Will.
Not Let You
Hurt Me Anymore.

I Will.
Be The Better

I Will.

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19 year cold case

Today in my normal waking up routine I went to CNN’s website to check the daily headlines and this caught my attention: http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/13/texas.rape.arrest/index.html

I find this amazing and awe inspiring. I had watched her case on CNN and seen her discuss how she never gave up in talking to the FBI and speaking out about her rape in order to find the man who did this to her so he wouldn’t harm others.

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Like I said in my previous post, on friday I was doing crafts with my friend’s 3 boys. They are wonderful kids, a handful at times, but really great children. As I was sitting at the table, helping paint pieces of wood I realized how truly terrified I am of children.

Not to say that  I don’t love kids, because I do. I used to help teach special needs kids, and I have 8 nieces and nephews so I have been around kids my whole life. But I realized, I’m horrible if I have to discipline them, and I’m so afraid of “screwing them up.” Like how my mother screwed me up.

I don’t have kids of my own yet, though my husband and I would love to have them, with this economy the way it is, kids just aren’t a wise decision for us at this point in time.  But, when I do have kids, as an adult and a mother, I’d have such power over them. I help shape and mold their personalities, their futures, their whole lives they will look to me for wisdom and guidance.

Every new parent is scared, but I’m scared even more.

It’s nice to say that out loud though. I’M SCARED! While it might be silly, and I’ve been assured that I will be a wonderful mother to my kids when I have them, I think part of me will always be terrified of screwing up. Because I’m human I’ll screw up lots, we all do. But I know that I wouldn’t ever do to my kids what my mother did to me and that sets me apart.

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Some Reading

Sorry I haven’t written much, I’ve been busy and haven’t even been home much. I’ve still got paint on me from doing a craft with my friends boys yesterday 🙂
In the time that I have had time to sit and relax I’ve been reading The Courage To Heal-http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-4e-Survivors-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255193082&sr=8-1

I’m slowly working my way through it, I only read a few pages or a chapter at a time, to give me time to really think about what I have read. I received this book and some others that I highly recommend, as they are quite helpful. I’ll list the titles in another post later, as they are in my wardrobe and I’m too lazy to move and get them 🙂

But this book, is highly highly wonderful and has been helpful. There is one chapter that deals with “coping strategies”  that people use to survive abuse. Such as drugs, compulsive lying, alcohol, eating disorders, etc. At the end of every chapter the book has a writing activity. For this chapter the book said to write down some/all the coping strategies that you used to survive abuse, but when you do it, make sure to not put yourself down for using the coping strategies , but to make it positive, because you survived and thats what is important, not what you did to surivive.

I found that quite interesting. I never thought of my former drug habit as something to be “positive” about. Though I can see the point in it. I used drugs to deal with what was in my head, because I couldn’t talk about it aloud, getting stoned and high was my way of coping and surviving until I could get out and away and finally say “my mother abused me”.

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