Archive for November, 2009

BBC radio

I found this the other day, i dont know the name of the program but it was on BBC and it’s about women who abuse children. I found it quite interesting and sometimes quite, quite hard to listen to.

you can download it here: http://www.divshare.com/download/9509462-0b9


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I hope that you have a very blessed and safe thanksgiving holiday as you go into food comas and spend time with family.

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I love my family, other than my real mother. They are all wonderful. However i had a conversation with my step-mother that i seem to have every year around the holidays. Her oldest child, once again, blew her off for thanksgiving and probably will for christmas. While her husband is having open heart surgery after new years, which is causing her some stress, there is still no excuse to treat your mother like her personal bitch.

I do love my oldest stepsister, but it just really bothers me. Mom never did anything bad to her. She did make mistakes, but every parent does. Parents are human. But mom never did anything like what my mother did to me. I just hate seeing my sister throwing away her relationship with her mother just because she’s “hurt” because her parents got divorced 20 years ago(she was already married and had a kid by this point). It’s so hard to watch.

I’m close to my step mom because she stepped in and tried to fill that motherly role for me as best she could while trying to help my father step up and be the dad i needed. Mom taught me to love everyone and to not judge and my dad taught me to make my own informed opinions based on what i think is right, not what others told me.

Sorry for the random venting, it just infuriates me to no end that my sister would toss her mother aside like a used toy because she has my parents divorced 20 years ago and i was already married, but im still mad issues.

***i know divorce affects kids no matter what age, if you have problems dealing with it, seek professional help***

**i wrote in some more detail about my eldest stepsister and this issue i have here : https://innocencestolen.wordpress.com/2009/10/21/pet-peeve/ **

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These are quotes I find inspirational. They aren’t all about being a survivor, but  also about hope, and healing. Some are from people, some are from books. But they all inspire me to work hard towards healing and to help others as well.

“A lot of people say they want to get out of pain, and I’m sure that’s true, but they aren’t willing to make healing a high priority. They aren’t willing to look inside to see the source of their pain in order to deal with it.”- Lindsay Wagner

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”- Lewis B. Smedes

“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. “- Tori Amos

“I think music in itself is healing. It’s an explosive expression of humanity. It’s something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music.”- Billy Joel

“To be a survivor–first you must bleed.
You bleed all that was inside of you: the pain, the memories, the fear, the wounds fusing together, the ties to what was in, all its forms.
You bleed not once but several times..
And when you are empty, you either fade into a shadow or find the strength, and courage to live.
When you stand up again, you are for a time, hollow–empty, like a bottle of beer lying on the street, cracked and reeking of its bitter contents.
Then you fill yourself up with the new, your recreate yourself–you reform.
You don’t have the same heart or mind.
The way you see the world is forever changed.”
Written by Lynn Mari (The Last Straw)

“to be a survivor, to my mind anyway, means more it was an experience one can pass through and recover from. It makes me think of Abraham Maslow and his question, ‘And what shall we think of the well-adjusted slave?’
I do not want to be a well-adjusted victim, and therefore i believe i need to participate in my own emotional emancipation. I need to choose to be free from the effects of the incest to the greatest possible extent i can achieve. I don’t mean i can suddenly ignore the impact of all this and just walk away from it as though i grew up in wonderland. I mean i can choose to allow it to have a minimum negative impact by facing it and moving on.
in short, i guess you scale it down to seize and deal with it the same way you have to face and cope with life’s other tragedies and wrong turns. you make it fit on to the list of all the other human potentials like love and war and suicide and tenderness.You have to allow other people and yourself to be human and to struggle to become what you can be, and more than we’ve all been”

“You did not ask for this item to be on your life’s agenda. and it’s not your fault you’re stuck with it. You deserve help and the time it takes to work this out.”

“Make the commitment to deal with it, completely, no matter what.
Get all the support and help you need.
Get a good hold on your never and stay with it. Take time. Easy does it.
Love yourself more than you ever have before. You need it.
Beyond that, life has it’s ups and downs, and somehow it goes on.
Don’t kill yourself. You deserve more than that.
There’s no big ending as near as i can tell. You move into a better, more comfortable and happy phase, and it lightens up if you hang with it.”

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My Story

I am writing this entry for Survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com for the Blogcarnival against child abuse (Details here: http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/search/label/Blog%20Carnival%20Against%20Child%20Abuse )

Not only am I writing this entry for the blogcarnival, but I’m writing it for myself. It is an important step in healing from any form of abuse to tell your story. So here is mine:

I was never wanted by my mother. She had me by C-section when she was only 19 years old and my father was 20. Shortly before I was born, my parents were married and moved into the downstairs apartment in my grandparent’s house.
Mom never took care of me. She would never change my diapers or feed me, she made my grandmother or my father do that. She stayed at home all day and racked up enormous phone bills working as a phone sex operator. If I cried and wouldn’t sleep she mixed vodka into my bottle so I would sleep.
My father, on the other hand, loved me since the day I was born. He worked hard at a store for 12 hours a day just to provide for me and my mother.

When my mother became physically violent to my family, she was kicked out of the house when I was 18 months old. She took me with her saying that no one would “ever see me again”. This point in my life is fuzzy, as I don’t remember it due to my age, and no one knows where we were.
When I was about 3, my grandmother received a phone call one evening from my great grandmother. My mother had physically beat my great grandmother and she needed help. My grandmother drove 8 hours to get me, she drove me back and through the courts claimed custody of me.

At this point in my life, the abuse had already started. Mom let men pay to do whatever they wanted and she would watch it, film it and join in as well.

After moving in with my grandmother, the abuse didn’t stop. It was less frequent however, as I was only alone with her once or twice a month. It took six months for me to be able to sleep through the night without screaming constantly.

Another abuser entered my life when I moved in with my grandmother. This time it was my grandfather(my grandmother’s 2nd husband). He hadn’t always been abusive, it started when I was about 4 or 5, towards the end of their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and had his way with me and the day we left my grandfather I saw him physically beat my grandmother.

Upon leaving my grandfather when I was 6, I moved in with my father and step mother. All the abuse by relatives stopped at this point. I went to court ordered counseling with my family, and I adjusted to my new life. I repressed all memories of my abuse until I was 13. I was on vacation at the beach, staying with my stepsister and her family. My brother who was in the navy had a bunch of friends over to the house for my birthday. I found myself heavily attracted to one of the guys and he and a few others were doing body shots off me. Since I was still quite young someone commented about how I was small like a little girl. This is what brought all my memories back of being abused. The emotions and pain I felt were so strong that I fainted.

For the next 5 years I spent all my energy on trying to hide my feelings. I used drugs, alcohol, cutting and sex to mask how I felt. I had sex with drug dealers because I couldn’t afford my oxy habit. When I did stop sleeping with the dealers when I was 16 because I had stopped my addiction to oxy I started with other drugs. I drank even more; I drank at school and at home. I smoked weed all the time, I was taking pills like no ones business. To this day I have no clue all the drugs I put into my system.

At 17 I started seriously becoming involved with my now current husband. We met online just playing a game (random I know), and he came to visit me right before my senior year started. He was the one good thing I had in my life and we started to plan our future together. I pushed through senior year, taking more drugs and studying hard. That Christmas though, my father’s grandmother fell ill and passed away. I hadn’t cut in a while, but her death hit me so hard I started again.

That summer my husband was planning on coming to see me again and pick me up so I could leave home and live with him. I had become addicted to another drug though. Ecstasy. I had begun taking it at a beach week vacation right after graduation, and I was hooked. I couldn’t get enough of the drug. It cleared my mind and made me happy.

When I arrived in my new home I went through drug withdrawals. I had stopped drugs cold turkey upon moving. The second I left my hometown the floodgates opened. I began talking about my abuse, and slowly began the process of healing.

I’m still healing, I will always be healing. I don’t discuss the gruesome details of my abuse to people. Those aren’t memories that need to be shared. What I am doing to heal is what I want to share. The first step of any problem-solving is Acceptance.

To this day, i’m still at that step. I accept what happened to me. I can’t change it, I was a child and powerless. Even later in my life when I was raped by a close friend. It was not my fault. None of it was my fault. Even writing it is difficult, because I have problems telling myself that.

But it is OK to have trouble; it’s ok to struggle with telling yourself it’s not your fault.

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Pretending You Are Ok

One of my biggest problems is I don’t like admitting when I have a problem. I put everyone’s needs first and mine last. In doing so I ignore my problems and just pretend like they don’t exist.

This is a huge mistake I make over and over. Because when I ignore my problems for so long i just combust and spend weeks on weeks crying and feeling so drained emotionally.  I learned from my mother at a very young age that my needs don’t matter. It is only about how others feel that is important. In my mother’s eyes, and what she taught me, was I was nothing, I was born to serve and please others.

But my mother is wrong. I am not meant to be a slave to everyone. I have a right to be selfish and say “no”. It’s something I’m trying to teach myself every day, and to be honest I forget it every once in a while.

Just always remember, you as a survivor of horrible abuse have a right to a life. You have a right to be happy. You have a right to say NO.

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The other evening I had dinner with a friend. We cooked a very yummy meal while chatting, then just sat drinking wine and talking more. We were talking about our high school days, and she began talking about some friends of hers who were all raped by the same jock in school. She then made a statement which angered and shocked me. She said that “Any woman who has been raped is being selfish in not reporting it, because the guy will rape again.”

I see her point. However, this is where we differ largely. As a survivor of multiple rapes by men and women throughout my life I have more experience in this area(unfortunately). While someone who rapes will likely rape again, it’s not selfish to let it go unreported. I never reported my rapes. Now one of my rapists actually did go to jail for rape, after another woman came forward.  Just because I never reported the rapes means im selfish. I’m strong. and I know i am. I did what i could to get by, my life would have been drastically changed and worsened if i had reported the rape. I would have been teased, called a liar, and my overall mental condition would have worsened more than it was at the time.

I love my friend, but what she said is extremely hurtful.
What are your thoughts on this subject and what she said?

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