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Archive for December, 2009

To see her or not

Yesterday I had a conversation with my grandmother. She had just gotten back from out of state to see my great-grandmother(who isnt doing very well). She told me that this friday she would be celebrating christmas with my real mother and extended an invitation to me.
Those that i have discussed this with tell me either not to, or to go with my gut instinct.

For once in my life, i dont know what my gut is telling me. Part of me wants to see my mother, because she IS my mother, she gave me life. But the other part of me thinks that seeing her would be very bad and result in a relapse into drugs on my part.

I’m feeling very confused. I don’t know what to do. I am leaning towards not seeing her, just to save my sanity(what little is left).

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Surviving the holidays

Almost every day or two i check out Thriver’s blog survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com which is just excellent. Thriver has been someone that I admire alot.

She has hosted blog carnivals, one of which i have written for. She just did a mini blog carnival which is all about surviving the holiday season as a survivor http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/12/mini-carnival-holiday-survival-tips-for.html

I encourage every one to read these entries. They are not just for the holidays, but for every day life.

I hope your holiday has been wonderful!

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Happy Holidays!

I just wanted to wish all of you happy holidays. I hope that whatever holiday you celebrate is wonderful, stress and trigger free. Please keep safe and have a wonderful time with your loved ones because you deserve it.

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Triggers

***This post might contain triggers***

i posted a short tweet the other day saying i had been triggered horribly. I play an online game, and i have met many many wonderful people through it, some of whom are very dear friends. In it a bunch of us that play together were talking. 2 men who are just very immature(but what boy isnt) began talking about being boy scouts. Jim said that his scout master had actually been convicted for molesting some of the boys in his troop. Jay replied saying that he must have just not been liked by the scout master since the guy had molested bascially all of the boys except jim(very lucky man).
They kept joking and carrying on. The jokes got raunchier and nastier. It was very upsetting for me.
this was my trigger, i had flashbacks of previous abuse and ended up just going back into my closet and crying for a while.

I do know they were joking, it was said online, but words are words whether spoken or read and they are hurtful.
What is more upsetting perhaps is my husband spoke  to Jay about the incident and he was quite rude saying it wasn’t an issue and he could say “whatever the hell he wanted to”.

This is an ongoing issue and the only reason i haven’t spoken to Jay personally about it is so i don’t blow up at him and lose my cool.

I want to thank all of you on twitter who sent me prayers and kind thoughts. knowing that people were thinking of me helped so much and i love you all deeply.

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The tooth fairy

Sorry I haven’t written much as of late. I made it back to my hometown safely and right after arriving became snowed in. That big snow storm dumped about 7inches of snow where I live, and no one was prepared for it.

Being back home has been nice though I miss my husband. I’ve gotten to see old friends and catch up. I ended up staying the night at my friend Adam’s house because of ice on all the roads.

Adam is the type of friend I can just sit across from and talk or hours and hours. Since we were snowed in this is exactly what happened.

We somehow ended up talking about childhood memories and the tooth fairy. Upon thinking I realized I don’t ever remember the tooth fairy. I had a “tooth box” that I would place my fallen teeth but that is all I remember. When I lost my first tooth I was four. I lost it during naptime in school. I don’t remember getting money for it as that night was the evening I stayed with my mom and abuse went on.

It makes me angry to think about how something simple as the tooth fairy is something I have no memory of at all.

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Old Life

This is a picture of my old life. before I admitted what my mother did. Before I talked about. Before I moved.

My life now is a sharp contrast. I dont do drugs, I dont down pills constantly. I don’t drink when im sad.

I’m travelling home for 3-6 months in just 2 weeks and I’m honestly terrified. It will be the first time I’ve been separated from my husband since we got married. When i am in my hometown I know where to get drugs, I know how to get what Iwant, everyone there knows me and can get me what i want in a heartbeat. Having that type of access to anything I could want scares the living hell outta me. I sometimes miss being high and having fun, but when i used when I was sad, that is what scares me. I hate how low I was when I was driven to use heavily.

I just hope when that when I go home, I’ll be strong enough to resist the temptation that drugs hold for me.

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dear santa

santa this year i dont want material things. i want courage to face my fears, to stand up to my mother. i want to not be controlled by emily,i want my nightmares to stop. i want immigration to go through. i want to finally settle down with gb. i want my friendships to strengthen and my love for people to deepen. i want to believe im beautiful. i want my family to stop fighting. i want my mom to stop hiding behind alcohol. i want dad to get better and just be ok. what i want more than anything else, is to be able to cry and let it all out, because i still hold it all in because i have to be the strong one for my family.

i might be asking for too much, but i just want things to get better. because sometimes i feel like the world is on my shoulders. i wish my stepmom didnt have to lean on me and i wish her kids would love her the way i do. i wish my little sister could run away from my mother, to save her. i wish i could do something to help, but i dont have the money or the means to. i just hope she knows i love her, and i know exactly how she feels everyday.

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