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Archive for January, 2010

Letting it all out

I wrote this in my private blog just the other day and I felt ok to share it. This is how I really feel most days and I never let it out. Now I am.

“maybe i am too mean. maybe i am a doormat. maybe i am black and white. i dont know. i feel like i dont know shit right now, im not doing well being away from my husband. im not happy here. this separation is killing me and i can keep busy all day and evening but every single night when i get undressed, and get into bed. i cry. i cry myself to sleep.

i feel like an utter mess and most days i wish i could just get so fucked up on oxy that i cant feel anything so it wont hurt anymore.

i feel more isolated from my family than i did before, i dont fit in, im the step sister, step child, i dont belong. and my mother still hates me, and i dont even know how i feel about that.

sometimes iwonder if it all did happen, but then i look back on my childhood and high school days, and no normal person would have done the shitty horrible things ive done and said. i just feel like a rotten whore. im not better than my mother, i wouldn’t ever do to any child what she did to me, but she still conditioned me from a young young age that i was put on this earth to fuck people. and i did that for so long, just to feel worth something. even now sometimes i feel like if someone doesnt like me that way that im nothing, and it makes me feel ugly and unwanted.”

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Bikini Season

I know I had said that I wouldn’t be posting for a while, but this came to my mind today.
Recently i was shopping online at victoria’s secret, i desperatly needed a new swimsuit as it was too small for me. I found one i loved that was on sale.
I ordered it in my size and it arrived today. Upon its arrival i tried it on. The top part fit perfectly, and the bottom did too, except for one problem. The way it is made is so it fits snug to your body, so it doesnt ride or fall down. This is wonderful, except when it’s so snug it gives you a muffin top!

It gives me one, as i havent been working out anymore. Standing in the mirror looking at myself, i realized that the problem isnt me or my body. The problem is my mind. In my mind i am supposed to look a certain way, i have to be this sex goddess that every single human wants.

I’m not that. I never will be. It’s impossible for anyone to be(without the help of extreme photoshopping).

Alot of this relates to my mother. She was forever telling me i needed plastic surgery(even at a size 2). She said i needed lypo, needed a boob job, a nose job; you name it, i needed it according to her.

So now mother, i cast away everything you said to me. I dont need to be a size 2 to be beautiful, i dont have to wear the sexiest bikini or be thin with abs to be gorgeous. I am loved the way i am, curves and all.

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Sorry For Being MIA

I hope you are all doing well, i apologize for being M.I.A. for the past 10 days. The reason for this is, i’ve simply havent had much to write about. My days have become a blur, nothing out of the ordinary has really happened.

Being apart right now from my husband is difficult, but i’ll make it. Your kind words and thoughts have meant alot. I should be back to writing in another week or 2, i might start posting some old writing of mine that i did a few years ago. What are your thoughts on that?

Best wishes 🙂

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Dear Negative Me

This is to all those negative voices in my head. SHUT UP. I hate you, i wish you would go away. I’m tired of you dragging me down, and making me cry. I’m tried of drinking to get you to be quiet. I have a husband. I have friends. People love me, stop telling me no one does.
Stop telling me I’m ugly because I’m beautiful, inside and out.
I am worth something. So you, negative me, need to leave me the hell alone and go away.

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New Year’s

Happy New Years! I had an amazing time, drank too much and woke up wondering how i ended up home.
I hope y’all had a wonderful time and stayed safe!

Everyone makes new years resolutions. I normally never make one but I am right now.

My New Year’s Resolution is to be more committed to my healing, to stop ignoring myself for others, to learning that putting myself before other people is ok sometimes.

I hope I can keep this resolution. So, What’s your resolution?

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