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Archive for February, 2010

From my own blog

This is an entry I wrote today from my own personal blog that I wanted to share with you.

i realized that i havent even stepped on a scale since i’ve been home. blah blah yeah i still bitch about my size, but i stood in front of my mirror when i woke up, before i got dressed and i for once didnt have anything to complain about(other than a minor breakout on my face). moments like this where i am truly happy with how i am and feel beautiful will pass, but maybe one day i will have these types of moments more and less moments where all i see when i look in the mirror is someone who looks like my mom.

speaking of mom…i had the grip she has on my mind. i havent talked to her in a year, i havent seen her in 2 years, why does she still haunt my sleep? ive hardly been sleeping this past week and it seems to be becoming more frequent. I wish i could just eradicate her from my mind, forget everything that involves her. I know i can’t, but how nice would that be? to forget all the abuse and hurt and shame. I’m alot better than i was before i moved, but some days are very hard. sometimes it’s all i can to just get out of bed.

i wish i could cry though. and i mean really fucking cry. i have so much pined up inside me, but i wont let it out. i cant let it out. id lose control. letting raw unfiltered pain and emotions out is scary. the few times i did, even if for a couple of seconds scared me so bad i doubled all the walls i have built. a lot of it is control, if i let it out, i lose control of myself. i don’t want to do that, being able to control my emotions almost defines me in a way. Except, i can’t always control it so i substitute. I substitute all the sadness and hurt and shame i feel almost constantly for anger. i hate it. its something ive been working on since i was a kid, its a lot better, but its hard. plus, if i dont get angry anymore, then i have nothing to cover up all the sadness, and what am i left with then?

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I’m not alone

I dont know how many of you use http://www.tumblr.com but i love it. i follow various people like high school friends, people who are photographers, etc.

Last night i was just going through the dashboard looking at what people had posted and a woman i follow wrote and posted this:

Reading this made me smile, as I feel this way all the time, and it made me realize, I’m not alone. I’m not totally crazy in my head, there are so many people who feel exactly like that, which gives me hope as a survivor. Knowing you are not alone is one of the most important parts of recovery.

Because before you being the healing process you do feel alone. I used to think to myself “No one else knows what this is like.” “Why am I so different?” “I wish someone could just understand how I feel, even if for a microsecond”

Two years into my healing, I know I am not alone. And you are not alone.

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An update

Goodness Ive been really bad about writing! I hope this finds you doing well. I’ve been busy, I was sick this past week, and so I spent a few days in bed while my parents took care of me. There is nothing quite like homemade soup when you feel ill 🙂

Besides feeling quite ill things have been ok. My grandmother is moving in with my aunt(her daughter, my abuser’s sister) next weekend and I promised I would help her move. I’ve been regretting this as my mother likes to barge her way into my grandmother’s life. I explained one evening to my grandmother that if my mother was there I wouldn’t be. It’s not that I don’t love my grandmother and aunt, but I can’t be around my abuser at this time. I don’t really think I would handle it well.

As my grandmother has been attempting to pack, her back has been sore. My aunt headed over last weekend to help her pack, though my aunt had surgery recently and is still recovering. My mother showed up with my half-sister and sat around, not helping and just yelled at my sister the whole time. Later in the week my aunt called me INFURIATED about my mother and her just being a downright nasty person that day. When she told me what happened the only reply I could come up with was “are you really surprised she acted like that?”

It makes me sad, I wish my mother would get her act together and realize there are other people in the world besides her. I think this is where I am conflicted in my feelings towards her. She is my mother, she gave me life, she carried me for nine months. But she hurt me, and abused me and sold me to dirty men for money. I hate her so much for it, but in the end it makes me sad that she is that person.

I try to see the good in everyone, and there have been a few times in my life where I was around my mother and she seemed to be like a normal mother. Just caring and fun to be around. I wish instances like that were more frequent, but sadly I don’t think that will ever be possible.

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Smashing Glass

This post is a follow up of sorts. I wrote about my anger and how I’ve been trying to find healthy was to release it. I found a great one last night.

For the past few months I’ve been in my hometown again, various circumstances that are out of my control are keeping my husband and I apart( I should be back to him in at least a month). So while I’ve been home I’ve been going through my things from my childhood, things that my grandmother left me when she passed away, etc.

My biological mother always used to give me little trinkets. They don’t mean much, they are glass and just have my birth stone on them. As I found these in a box my stepmother had packed, I unwrapped them and set them aside. After finding some work goggles and gloves I went into my backyard and I started throwing and smashing all of these trinkets.

I was so exhausted afterwards. I finally let out of some my anger by screaming and crying as I began smashing these things she gave me. It felt wonderful! I shattered all of the glass just as she shattered my life, my innocence, and my childhood.

Now, maybe I can sleep a little easier.

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Write It Out

Recently I havent’ been doing well. I’ve been having panic attack after panic attack, with no real clue as to why. So I decided to try something. Which was to take everything I feel about my mother at any given point and write it down. This has been the result so far(There is strong language in this)

I’ve found this to be extremely helpful for me. Whenever I feel a sudden strong emotion about my mother, I grab this paper and I write down what I think. While I’m still having nightmares, my panic attacks have virtually stopped.

If anyone else has done this, has it helped you as wll?

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