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Archive for March, 2010

Today I was on the phone with my grandmother(mother/abuser’s mom) and we were chatting away. She told me about how her move into my aunt’s house was progressing, and gave me updates on my family. While we talked she asked me if I was planning on going back to live with my husband(due to government reasons I am back staying with my parents and have been since December). I told her I was, and that I was waiting on some government papers to arrive in the mail and money as well.

Recently back where he and I live people we are friends with have been spreading rumors saying that the reason I haven’t moved back and the reason he and I are struggling for money is because I am spending it all on drugs and alcohol.
I found this out by a friend texting and saying they had heard this and asked if it was true. To this friend who asked, it’s insulting, but thank you for being kind enough to ask me rather than assume it’s true.

Needless to say I was infuriated upon hearing this, as was my husband. It’s insulting that someone would even say that about me, let alone spread it around to all of our friends.

As I was telling my grandmother this she just said “oh”. That was her only reply. Leading to me writing this post.

Right before I got married I flew my grandmother and best friend out to be in my wedding. My grandmother took the place of my father who was supposed to be having surgery any time then and wasn’t able to attend. She stayed in the house, altered my wedding dress, walked me down the aisle and gave me away.

Around this time, she found out about the truth about her daughter, my biological mother. In finding out about this, she also discovered that because of this abuse, and from keeping it secret for so long, I developed a drug habit in high school(which I later stopped).

Ever since then she’s treated me differently. As have the rest of my family who have found out about the abuse. I understand that it is a normal reaction. But I wish people could understand, child sexual abuse survivors are people. We are the same as we were before, and being treated differently hurts our healing process. At least, it hurts mine. Every time I get treated differently I feel dirty. I always have to take a long, scalding hot shower. It makes me feel like I am less of a person than I was before because I decided to be honest about what happened to me, rather than hide in secrecy behind drugs and alcohol like I used it.

I think the point I’m trying to make is, if you know someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, please don’t act strange or treat us like we are some sort of taboo.

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Saying No

I am currently reading the book The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. I’ve been reading this book for about a year. I read a passage and let it sink in for a while, then continue.

Last night I was reading about saying no: “Although It’s sometimes scary to say no, the rewards are worth it. You feel safer because you are protecting yourself from situations you don’t want to be in. You get more of what you want, more of the time. You don’t feel like a victim. You experience more confidence, power and self-respect. Your self-esteem will rise.”

I have a big issue with saying no. Every time I say no, I feel like I’m letting that person down. Even if they are complete strangers. This has led to many issues in my life, from not being able to say no to taking a hit, or sex, etc.

I have a friend who helps me with this. He might not entirely realize this, but just a year ago I would have never dared say no to him. Now if he asks me something, and I don’t like it, or want to participate I am able to say no. And stick by that.

The first time I said no to him, I felt horrible. But I kept saying no. Repeating it out loud and over and over in my head, I didn’t feel bad. It’s so empowering to be able to say no, I don’t want to do that, I want to do something for me.

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