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Archive for April, 2010

Relationships

“I was still stuck in the terror of that moment. I was afraid that something was seriously wrong with me. Had I been so damaged that I would never be able to have a normal relationship?”-Mineko Iwasaki

This quote sums out how I feel all the time. Due to circumstances that until last month were out of my control, I have been living apart from my husband. Our one year anniversary is the end of June, and I have been living in my hometown for almost 6 months now. While I was on vacation, I had a lot of time to think about our relationship. I realized that I can see myself without my husband, living my life. This scares me.

Dwelling on this more, I realized that I thought that because I’m scared. I live in constant fear. I haven’t gone to college because I’m terrified of failing. I don’t work because I’m scared I can’t handle the stress and pressure. I don’t open up to people who love me, like my husband, because I’m terrified to let people get close to me.

I feel like if someone does get to know me, all they will see is this rotten, damaged person who let’s a few “mommy” issues ruin her whole life. I know in my head this isn’t true, my problems are very real and understandable, given what I grew up with. But my heart says otherwise.

I try to write to help others to let them know they aren’t alone. But at this moment, I can’t do that, because I feel alone.

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Quote

This is a brief post, but last night I was watching the sky news debate in the U.K. for their upcoming election. An audience member asked what each leader’s stance on the Pope’s upcoming September visit to the U.K. was and I was very happy that every leader agreed in this matter: That the Pope has some very serious issues to address.

But it is what Prime Minister Gordon Brown said that really stands out to me.

“Mr Brown said: “I have met some of the people who have rightly complained about some of the abuse they were subject to when young and it never leaves them, it is something that is with them always.”

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Vacation

I am currently on my vacation. I won’t disclose where I am, not even my husband knows. But I am having the most fantastic time.

A break from everything going on in my life has been exactly what I needed. I haven’t felt extremely worried or upset since the moment I arrived, and that is very refreshing.

While I’ve been here though I’ve had a few flashbacks, which just made me want to collapse in a heap. I thought that I had moved past flashbacks and letting my mind wander into thinking about my mother. I suppose that is something I will never stop doing, I’ll never not think about my mother, or what she did. And I will forever wonder what could have been if she actually loved me.

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I’m alive

Sorry I’ve been absent. Not much is going on to be honest. Though I did see my mother around town not to long ago. And then that same weekend we had tornado’s and one touched down where my grandmother and aunt lived. I called them to up to make sure they were ok (they were fine, it missed them) but my mother was there so I quickly got off the phone.

Needless to say, seeing my mother for the first time in almost 2 years caused a mild panic attack. I quickly called up a friend and just said “I’m far from home, I’m near you, can I come over?”. He said that it was fine, and I went over and explained what happened and I stayed there until I was calm enough to drive home.

Other than this incident, things have been relatively ok. I’m planning to go out of town for 2 weeks (the 11-25th) this month and I’m excited. I will have a complete and total break from everyone. No phones, no internet for 2 weeks. I’ll miss not being able to text my husband, but I need to just get away from life for a little while.

Today is bunny eating day. Don’t worry, just chocolate bunnies. Real bunnies are cute and should not be eaten. I do hope you all had a fantastic Easter, and keep safe.

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