I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve written. I’ve had a lot going on. My uncle passed away recently and I’ve been busy with the holidays.
A bit of a development with my mother. She got fired from her job. I don’t know the whole story, but it amounted to my sister getting suspended for a few days from her school. The school called my mother at work, who screamed and swore, carrying on, and got fired because of it. She now wants to draw disability since she is no longer working.
There has been no news about social services yet. I do hope they hurry up and get my sister out of that situation soon.
I’ve been doing ok. In the last week or so I’ve had to really confront my own sexuality. Part of me has always wondered if I am bisexual. I find women attractive, but the thought of doing anything scared me, mostly because of the abuse. My friend questioned me on it, and to be honest I’m surprised I didn’t faint. I felt lightheaded, my stomach was in knots, I could hear my heart pounding.
I’ve decided I’m not bi though. My friend and I talked for a few hours about it, and I was finally able to remove my mother and the abuse from the equation. Which is always difficult, with anything sexual, if it happened to me because of her, I hated it, even if I secretly like it(in a consensual, adult situation).
That’s the key though I think. The adult, consensual situation in which something arises. Before I was afraid if I liked a certain thing, I was turning into my mother. Which I now know is not true.
I have a feeling that this is something I might always struggle with, it’s hard to shake something like this for good.