I found out today that my biological mother/abuser is rather ill. She is anemic, her hemoglobin levels are dangerously low and her doctors believe she has internal bleeding.
I am faced with a dilemma in hearing this news. How am I supposed to feel? I am concerned that she is horribly ill(partly for myself, as I have been showing signs of anemia as well), but I also feel like she deserves it.
No one deserves to get sick, but in a horrible way, I want her to suffer the same way I have suffered all these years because of the horrible abuse she subjected me to. Does this make me a bad person? I should be taking the high ground, hoping she gets better, but a part of me just wants her to be in pain and not get better.
Even saying that out loud makes me feel rotten. I try to be a compassionate person and not let my anger and hate drive me, but it’ rather hard when the person who abused you and betrayed you is sick.
On another note, I confronted my step mother this week as well. I had driven her out to my eldest step-sister’s house, they are going on a trip and she went to help them pack. On the way back to our house after I picked her up we began talking about D.I.D. (dissociative personality disorder, my other step-sister was diagnosed 2 years ago).
I began to get really angry at my step-mom when we discussed this. I told her that she and my father must have known something was wrong with me when I started to act out in school, I was mean to everyone and I manipulated people and tried to sell sex and myself to get what I wanted. I said that things were horrible in high school, and the reason i turned to drugs and other things was because they never paid attention. I flunked an entire grade(but the private school I was at knew something was amiss and passed me anyways) the year I began to remember the abuse, and my parents just thought it was me acting out and going through another phase. I began cutting that year and I stopped eating, both things my parents knew about but did nothing.
My step-mom has told me she figured out I was deep in drugs and self-mutilation and anorexia but thought that I needed to figure it out on my own because I was an adult and she let me make my own decisions.
I never quite realized just how mad I was at my parents until I told my step-mom how pissed I was. They ignored me because they both suffered from depression. I know depression is serious and it makes you very self-absorbed, but even depressed parents still notice when their child’s wrists bleeds over dinner. I know she noticed, because I caught her staring at it. But she never did anything. The only time in high school that she addressed it was after my grandmother passed away, and I picked up the habit again. A concerned mentor noticed and discussed it with her.
I feel much better that I said all of that to my step-mom. I think it made her cry, but it hurts a lot to know that she knew all along something was wrong and she never got me help, it could have saved me a lot of pain and suffering.
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